Still learning to love

“I love my body. It has carried me through 50 years of my life.”

I reminded myself of this while in tears this morning. 

Today in meditation my lower belly felt heavy and tender. I remembered that I’m attuned to reiki (sometimes I forget the loving things I can do for myself) so I decided to put my hands on my belly to give it some love. I got struck with a message, and then burst into tears, that my heavy-feeling belly is not about my digestion. It’s not really about foods that I eat. This elimination diet I’ve been on (like a Whole 30) to find out why my digestion has been erratic is not going to help me figure out what’s “wrong”, because nothing is actually wrong with my physical digestion. Food is not the issue.

My belly is carrying my sorrow and grief. It’s been carrying distaste and shame of my own shape. It’s carrying my loneliness, especially that age-old feeling that I won’t have real love or real approval in my life until I lose my belly (even though I’ve had great loves in my life, and whose approval am I seeking anyway?). Like many women, I made these assumptions when I was a pre-teen, and it took many years to even begin to question these negative thoughts. It was just “true” that I would never be liked/loved/admired/approved of/happy if I didn’t slim down and stay slim. I first started dieting at age 12, and have carried around the voice of this critic for too many years.

My belly is tired of me dieting. She’s tired of the judgment. She wants me to eat intuitively, eat foods that are tasty and nutritious, breathe, move, and stop punishing myself. Enjoy the joy of eating! She wants me nourish her, not starve her or restrict her. She wants me to know that she is a part of me -- not some extra part to get rid of so the “real” me can be found underneath. 

Flavor that dish with lots of herbs and spices, smell it, make it yummy, pick whole foods that my grandma would recognize as food, enjoy the treats, savor every bite, move that body, enjoy all of the things that my dear body can do. And wow does it do a lot! Today I got out of bed, I stretched, I walked, I danced around my living room, I hugged my daughters, I carried some groceries, I listened to music, I ate yummy foods. These are reasons to celebrate.

I love my body. It’s carried me through 50 years of my life. 

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Quarantine weight gain, coffee cake, and giving ourselves a break

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Farmer’s market bounty